You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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