She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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