I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Randomize
