You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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