My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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