walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
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