They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
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You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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