my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
