Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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