My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
