I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
cat food counts as protein by the way
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
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