Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
