It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
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Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
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and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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