I looked at my own cervix.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
