At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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