Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
