Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
