you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
