No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
