So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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