I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
