They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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