she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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