I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
