I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize
