The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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