guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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