I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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