i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
