I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
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