You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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