i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
