Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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