I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."