dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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