where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Ketchup is God's man juice
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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