i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
