Life is so much better after having sex.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
