Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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