3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Randomize
