I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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