How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
