my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
