apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
