i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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