haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
