my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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