if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
