He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
