i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
