Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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