I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
