i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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