im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Randomize
