Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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