yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
