You're my little dorito
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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