It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
